Men Don’t Have a Clue

I was talking with an old friend and he finally came clean about his recent divorce. He was so thrilled his new girlfriend ‘fought’ for him. He then proceeded to complain about how much he had to pay out to his ex-wife in the divorce. Yeah, girlfriend had your best interests at heart.

Him: She used to come over when YY was at work. We screwed in my bed.  She couldn’t stay away.

Me: You mean the bed you shared with your wife?

Him: Well, yeah. But that’s not the point. Some women will trick you into leaving your wife. They get pregnant or cause a scene. XX didn’t do that. She lost her earrings in bed one day and my exwife found them.

Me: Really?  Earrings as in plural? What the hell were you doing that two earrings just fell off her head and landed in your sheets? They weren’t rolling around on the floor or caught in the blankets? Because when I lose an earring it never lands neatly in the bed, let alone losing two, and in the same spot.

Him: She wouldn’t do that. She loves me too much. It was just a fluke they both fell off.

Me: You do realize you’re an idiot? She had a plan to win the prize. And don’t get me started on how wrong THAT statement is. It was a competition to take you away from your wife. Too bad your wife didn’t know she was playing. Then again, she may have handed you over on a silver platter. Girlfriend collects her trophy and parades you around until the next challenge presents itself. Wait! She’s you without the testosterone!

Him: You’re full of shit, but lets just say it was you. Would you deliberately leave your earrings in my bed?

Me: Hell no. I’m wearing 2 kt diamonds in 18kt gold. These aren’t coming out of my ears for any man.

Him: Well, what about underwear then. You’d leave your underwear.

Me: Nope. Do you know how expensive lingerie is? Maybe if I was really desperate I would stop at Kmart and pick up a thong to leave, but not any of my real silk.

Him: I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you fight for me? Why wouldn’t you be relentless if you loved me? She fought for me and showed me what I meant to her.

Me: First off, we have vastly different definitions of love. She loved you so much she dragged you through a very expensive, acrimonous divorce, almost cost you your job, your kids won’t speak to you, your coworkers talk about you behind your back, and when you had to sell your big house and move into a tiny apartment she only visits when she’s free. My version of love doesn’t cause pain. Divorces are painful, not speaking with your kids is painful, losing the respect and support of your peers is painful, ending up alone is painful. If I loved you, I would walk away. If you gave up everything for me voluntarily, I’d be right there. I’d do the same for you. That’s my definition of love.

Him: I just don’t understand.

Me: You’re right. You’re fucking clueless.








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